Daily Meditations from John N N Ng'ang'a: Week of 15 – 21 August 2011— Why should we have a Christian Wedding before Sex?
2 Samuel
32 But Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother, said, “My lord should not think that they killed all the princes; only Amnon is dead. This has been Absalom’s express intention ever since the day Amnon raped his sister Tamar.
This message addresses single people.
Long after the wedding day, when you realize that your wife came to you as a virgin and that she waited DESPITE the temptations, especially if you courted long enough, you will tend to trust her even more in marriage.
You cannot underestimate the temptations which she faced to remain a virgin. She trusted the Lord long enough not to displease Him. If you went to Japan or make long distance travels for a long period of time, you know that you can count on her to be chaste, because she trusts the Lord. She is not remaining chaste just for you. She loves the Lord more than you. And because of that temptation will not sway her.
When you actually give in before marriage, you have just spoilt you future relationship, your sexual enjoyment in marriage will be affected. When you realize that somebody saved herself just for you, it makes the sexual experience after the wedding day much richer. Every time you have sexual relation it just reminds you, “This girl is all mine, she saved herself just for me.” Or for you as a woman you realize, “This man saved himself just for me.” And this gives you a lot of confidence in your relationship.
If you really want to enjoy your sexual life after the wedding day, say NO to him until the wedding. Do anything to wake him up to what he will lose in having sex before the wedding. You may even have to slap him. Chase him out of your house. If he insists too much, the best style is not to negotiate. It may become too late when you also get emotionally weakened. Get him out of your house. And by the way he will hate you for an evening or two. Next morning he says, the reason she chased me really is because she loves the Lord. If she loves the Lord, it means nobody else can play with her. This is the woman I want to marry. This will bring him back with an apology and even more respect for you. If he goes away, that is okay. It shows he cannot wait. It’s good riddance since even if you married him; he will cheat on you whenever you go for journey,
Day 2
Leviticus 18
20 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your neighbor’s wife and defile yourself with her.
22 “‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.
Condemning Sexual immorality is a way, not of punishing us but of giving us something much better. Why did God make it strict that sex could only be done in marriage? Those of us who are married and are Christians can answer that. It is because when you actually remain under God’s law, you enjoy sex more.
Why do you think a non-Christian does not stick to one woman either before or after the wedding? It is because they don’t enjoy it. They are jumping from one to the other hoping to enjoy but they do not. The truth is when you do it outside God’s program, you don’t enjoy it. In fact you get other problems. It is important to understand that the reason the Lord is restricting you to one on one is not for His benefit. It is all yours. It is because God wants you to enjoy it. Exclusiveness of a relationship makes the sexual experience be very satisfying. That is why you have to pay prostitutes because they do not enjoy it but do it for the money!
Animals are different. When on heat animals cannot help but have sex, but man has self-control that allows him to save his sexual energy for the right woman at the right time.
Day 3
Revelation 21
8 But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”
Remember, when we talk about sexual sin before marriage, the word we normally use is fornication. That is the sin done by people who are not married. Adultery refers to people who are married. In other words when we talk about fornication we are talking about single people. Both are sins of sexual immorality, whether it is adultery or fornication.
But the word we are using more these days is ‘casual sex.’ This is the idea that I can have sex with you for a night but neither you nor I have any intention of a long term relationship. They call it casual sex. And you need to understand that casual sex is the opposite of marriage. Marriage is a lifelong commitment to one person.
In other words, the Bible says marital sex is the only legal sex, but casual sex negates this. When we talk about breaking the seventh commandment, thou shall not commit adultery; we are talking about having illegal sex. Having sex outside marriage will be breaking the law of God. Even if you are going to marry a girl later, you will have sinned.
Please make sure you have a long term commitment first.
Sex cannot be casual, it is meant to be only between two people for life. It means people have sex not just for themselves but also inconsideration of the other party.
Day 4
John 2
1 On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, 2 and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. 3 When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.”
If you have not had a wedding, you don’t have a marriage certificate; it is likely your husband sometimes thinks, “Even if I wanted to go outside marriage, what is there for this girl to use to stop me? After all I wasn’t even sure when and if I ever married her.” It leaves in his mind the possibility of your marriage as on or off. Sometimes on, sometimes off. When you annoy him it is off. When you are pleasing him it is on.
That is why the church emphasizes that even if you got into a relationship before the wedding day since you were not saved, you need to come to the pastor, to regularize it. By the way you don’t have to give us tea in a wedding reception. That’s not part of the deal. Tea is bonus. All you require is two witnesses and the pastor who will be acting both on behalf of God and on behalf of the government. You will then get a blessing on the marriage and a marriage certificate.
You need to ask yourself, if in a casual come-we-stay relation, “Am I sure if I am married? In having sex without a wedding might I be sinning? You might think it is only men who assume you can pull out of a come-we-stay relationship easily. Some sisters are also of the same thinking. They get saved and they come for counseling. They say, “Brother you know our marriage has such difficulties because I entered it when I was a non-Christian. I realize I had never made up my mind whether I am married. I just got pregnant.” What is she trying to say? That she wants me to confirm she can drop her husband of several years and so pick the one she consider a better man.
Those kind of thoughts die the minute you go before the pastor and you get the marriage certificate signed and it is all settled. You need to understand that when we talk about that commitment, you may have commitment between you and God, but it also needs to be a commitment that others can see .That’s why we have a wedding. The Bible says things must establish before two or three witness. it is important that you actually have a wedding certificate. That one doesn’t mean that you are getting married again. If you have been living together, you are already married. It means that you are making your wedding official and clear cut; you need to invite Jesus in your marriage by allowing his representative, Pastor to bless your marriage.
Day 5
Revelation19:7
Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready
Some years ago my wife and I were involved in running a couples seminar in Eden Rock Hotel in Malindi. A church in Mombasa had invited us. We talked about sex before commitment being a sin. Exactly the way we are discussing now. In the middle of the retreat, somebody went to the Pastor and said, “Surely it means tonight if I sleep with my wife I might be sinning? No. I don’t want to sin again. What can you do to help me? Can you sort me out?”
Fortunately the pastor had carried his marriage certificate forms, I don’t know why. So the following day I was told before preaching there was a ceremony to be done. And you know they got wedded. The hotel was very good; they gave a cake for the wedding. So it was all sorted out.
They had been married I think for eighteen years but all that time, despite being pretty rich, well to do people and in the church, the left the matter un sorted. This allowed the man to toy with idea he could have second wife since not married in church. They kind of played down on it until we talked about. Then it occurred: why is it really we don’t want the marriage certificate?
Whatever it is that makes the getting of marriage certificate look like it should be tomorrow, or it is not that important, is the thing that will make you open up to temptation when a girl comes who is half the age of your wife yet seems to like you.
So it is important to ask yourself, “Why do I not want to clear this matter.”
Day 6
Rom 7:2-3
2 For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. 3 So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.
Sometimes you hear people say, “As for me I don’t say ‘I am saved’ but ‘I am a Christian in away’”. What is it that makes you not say you are saved? Whatever makes you not say it may be the same things that make you a non-Christian at all on the first place. If they ever said they are killing Christians, you would say to the executioners, “But have I ever said I am one?” And that’s why you need to say openly and clearly if you are born again.
Similarly to deal with this issue of sex, you need to talk together with your husband or wife and confirm if you are committed for life or not. Are you married the church way? Where is the certificate? It is not settled, even if you had your traditional marriage, and you even paid the goats for dowry. You need to ask yourself, if you have met the requirements of your fellowship.
For example as a Kikuyu you even if he gave ‘ngurario’ (shedding blood to confirm the marriage) but he may use this to say you are wife number one. I can later get wife number two. The only one wedding that that means you are the only one for life is the Christian wedding or marriage.
So when you tell me, ‘I am married’, I ask ‘How? By Luhya customs?’ It means you are ready for a second wife. So, why would you call yourself a Christian and yet your marriage is Luhya’s one? Luhyas normally can get twenty. Muslims say four but Luhyas can get twenty without a problem. Am I right Luhyas? There is nothing wrong with it. So you need to ask yourself, what kind of marriage are you talking about?
Is the interest in future extra wives the reason why you are not signing the Christian marriage certificate … so that you can have sex with this one, and the next time you have sex with another one, you say I did not sin, she is my second wife. It is very important that we sort out this issue.
All sins are sins, they will take you to hell, but there is so much about sex in the bible that God must have known there are very serious consequences in sexual sin. We have seen that that legal sex is not possible until the wedding day, so the wedding is the one that makes sex allowable. Any sex without a long term commitment, (I am calling wedding a long term commitment), if you are not willing to commit yourself long term you have no reason to touch her and sex will be sin.
Day 7
1 Cor 7:39
39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord
The second thing you need to understand about marriage is that this thing is like ‘one way traffic’. It is just like getting into a major highway. If you want to go to Mombasa you turn left, if you want to go to Kisumu you turn right. But if at that point you get a little confused and you turn right and you meant to go to Mombasa, what do we advise you to do? You have to keep going to the wrong direction until the next round about. If you try to change direction before then you are committing suicide. The cars will be coming in a hurry and you risk a head on accident. You know you can insist and say, “Ah! I must go on to towards Mombasa!” My friend, you will be dead.
That’s how marriage is also. Even if you took a wrong spouse according to you, you must continue on the wrong road until the roundabout and the roundabout for marriage is called death. Marriage is one-way traffic. So you are allowed to change but in the next roundabout and the roundabout is called death. So you need to be aware that you can’t say, “But Brother Ng’ang’a, the way we are having difficulties with my husband I need a change, surely.” Now, yes, it is understandable, but please wait until you get to the next roundabout. Sex with anyone else except this spouse that you do not like, is sin