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John N N Ng’ang’a Meditation of January 13th, 2025 What is Infidelity?

John N N Ng’ang’a Meditation of January 13th, 2025 What is Infidelity?

Day 1

Matthew 5:32

But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery

 

Infidelity is a fascinating topic for three main reasons.

The first reason infidelity is such an important topic is that, for those of us involved in marital counselling, I do not know of a bigger problem to address. There is no greater blow to a marriage than infidelity. When there are just a few misunderstandings in marriage, you can counsel people and easily sort them out. But when it comes to the issue of infidelity, it is the kind of blow the devil uses to destroy the marriage. It requires a bigger miracle to resolve. While any miracle is significant, saving a marriage after infidelity demands an even greater one. Therefore, this is something you must avoid. The damage it causes to both the marriage and the church is immense.

The second reason is that the Bible teaches that any sin committed is outside the body, but sexual sin is a sin against oneself. Have you read that? You cannot engage in sexual sin without it destroying you. In fact, many people involved in spiritual warfare assert that it is one of the easiest ways to fall under demonic control. When you engage in sexual sin, you risk opening yourself up to demonic oppression.

Of course, all sins are bad—please do not misunderstand me. I am not excusing any sin. Every sin, if unrepented, leads to hell. However, when it comes to sexual sin, it is important to understand that the devil uses it more effectively. Many experts in demonology state that sexual sin is one of the primary gateways to demonic control or oppression for Christians.

For instance, if you insult me, that sin can still lead you to hell if left unrepented. Any unrepented sin will. However, if you have sex outside the marriage bond, you are not only sinning but also opening yourself up to demonic influence.

You can see that while I am not grading sins, sexual sin carries unique consequences. It can destroy your marriage, and recovery from it is very challenging. Secondly, it not only harms your marriage but also exposes you to demonic oppression.

The third reason infidelity is significant is that it seems to be the only issue that potentially allows for divorce. Sexual sin is so severe that God permits divorce in such cases. However, this is not straightforward, and I will address this in more detail shortly. While the Bible is clear that divorce is wrong, Jesus was explicit in saying that it is permissible in the case of infidelity. Have you read that? This creates a significant theological debate. Therefore, understanding the issue of infidelity is crucial in matters of divorce.

Thus, I am not just using sociology or psychology to show that sexual sin is serious; Jesus himself emphasized its gravity. These three reasons convince me that this topic is highly important.

With God’s help, we will spend the next several meditations discussing this issue of sexuality. I am praying that as we explore it, the Lord will speak to you in a way that enables you to help someone else avoid this sin. May it not only help you but also someone the Lord places in your life. If you are married, I encourage you to share this message with your spouse.

One reason I have decided to address this topic is that if you bring it up with your husband, he might think you are making it up. Instead, ask him to read this or listen to this discussion himself. After your spouse has gone through it, take him on a date and discuss how you both can guard your marriage against this issue. During the conversation, say, “This is what Ng’ang’a said. What do you think the Bible says? What is your position on this matter?” Let it become a discussion between the two of you.

This does not mean there is a problem in your marriage or that you suspect him; it simply means you want to understand his views on the topic. He might respond with, “Ah, Ng’ang’a! What he said—I do not agree with him!” This will help you understand his perspective. In this way, I offer myself as the sacrificial lamb for your discussion, allowing you to explore this critical issue together.

 

Day 2

Romans 13:13

Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy

 

What I am saying is that the person reading the article will understand that your intention in sharing it is deliberate—you want to create an opportunity to discuss and clarify your beliefs on the matter. If you and your spouse lack clarity on this issue, your marriage could be in danger. It is crucial to understand where both parties stand on the issue of sexuality because, as I mentioned earlier, it plays a significant role in determining the direction of your marriage.

On a positive note, having introduced this topic, let me emphasize that God created us to value sex. In other words, sex is not a human invention; it was created by God. Remarkably, no one needs to be taught about sex—it is instinctive. There is no lecture on why you need sex; it is something natural. This is why many of the teachings aimed at children about sex seem unnecessary, as though they are addressing a problem that does not exist.

Anthropological studies have shown that even in cases where children are isolated on an island due to a shipwreck—where the only survivors are a boy and a girl—they grow up and instinctively understand sex. Twenty years later, if you revisit the island, there will be children, even though no one taught the survivors about sex. This natural inclination underscores that God created us with an inherent understanding and value for sex.

Sex, someone once said, is a three-letter word that also tests our worldview. How you perceive sex reflects your belief system. For instance, some people believe that they cannot go three months without sex, which they use to justify polygamy. They argue that if their wife is unavailable due to childbirth, they need another wife. They rationalize that God understands their needs because He created them this way. This is an example of a worldview.

I recall working in Kisumu in the 1980s as a manager for an oil company. Clients would come from across western Kenya, often seeking help to establish petrol stations. I was in my mid-thirties when an elderly man, in his sixties, came to see me. He mentioned, out of nowhere, that his third wife had delayed him that morning. Intrigued, I asked, “You have a third wife?” He responded, “Oh yes, and I think I may need a fourth soon.”

He then proceeded to explain his reasoning, claiming that men remain sexually active at fifty, while women lose interest in such matters. He added that it is common for older wives to find a younger woman for their husbands, fully understanding the situation. At the time, as a thirty-something-year-old, I had no way of verifying his claims.

Now that I am in my seventies, I can confidently say that these beliefs are lies perpetuated by the devil. Menopause does not mean a woman loses interest in or the ability to enjoy sex. Through the decades, I have seen how false traditions create room for immorality.

When men reach their mid-forties and beyond, even faithful ones may start to justify immoral behaviour. Deep down, they may believe that seeking a younger woman is not entirely wrong. They convince themselves that God understands, and the sin is not “too bad.” They rationalize their actions with lies like, “My wife is too old for this,” which is simply untrue.

I vividly remember an encounter with a missionary working in our rural area. His mother had passed away, and his father, who frequently visited the missionary, eventually mentioned, “I’m now single.” Not long after, he returned with a new wife. At the time, he was in his seventies, yet he looked as though he was on a honeymoon, holding hands with his new bride.

This made me realize that even in their seventies and eighties, couples still value intimacy and companionship. If people in their seventies and eighties can still enjoy a fulfilling relationship, how much more for those in their fifties? The belief that older age diminishes intimacy is a lie from the devil, designed to pave the way for immorality.

 

Day 3

1 Corinthians 5:1

Dealing With a Case of Incest

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that even pagans do not tolerate: A: a man is sleeping with his father’s wife

 

You need to understand that an unbiblical worldview can lead you to sin. Your belief system can make it easier or harder for you to fall into sin compared to another person. My wife often shares a story about someone who avoided sexual sin—not because of Christianity, but due to a childhood belief instilled in him.

When this person was a young boy, around six or seven years old, he was told that sleeping with a girl before marriage would destroy a man’s sexual organ. This belief terrified him and stuck in his mind. Even as a teenager, whenever he was tempted, he remembered this warning and avoided sexual sin out of fear. He remained pure until his wedding day—not because of a Christian conviction, but because of this deeply ingrained belief.

This example shows how a person’s worldview can determine how likely they are to fall into sexual sin. That is why it is essential, as a couple, to discuss and understand the worldviews you each hold about sex.

So far, we have not even touched on what the Bible says about these matters. We are talking about the beliefs you acquired as you grew up. Although not the focus of today’s topic, it is important to understand what a worldview is. A worldview is like a pair of glasses through which you interpret life.

For instance, when the Bible says, “Thou shall not steal,” the meaning is not the same for everyone. Both of you may hear the same command, but your interpretation depends on your worldview.

I have written about this in my book, A Leader’s Source of Influence, where there is a chapter on worldview. I highly recommend you read it because worldview is a very serious issue. Two people can be saved, but sin does not mean the same thing to both.

Take, for example, a Maasai. When he hears, “Thou shall not steal,” it does not include cows in his mind. To him, recovering cows taken by someone else—say, a Kamba—is not stealing. He believes he is simply reclaiming what rightfully belongs to him. Surely, even God cannot consider him a sinner for that, he thinks.

This is a belief system issue. It is rarely discussed, but it operates in the background of people’s minds. A Maasai Christian might abhor stealing in general, but when it comes to cattle, his worldview shifts. He may even think, “How can a Maasai steal cows?”

The same worldview dynamics play out in many families. For example, some families hold the belief that “boys will always be boys.” Even if a born-again mother sees her teenage son, say, fifteen or sixteen, coming home from an inappropriate situation with a girl, she might say, “What’s wrong with you, my son?” Outwardly, she seems to rebuke him, but inwardly, she excuses his behaviour with, “Boys will always be boys.”

If her daughter, however, did the same thing, there would be fireworks in the house. This double standard communicates a message to the son: “My mother doesn’t think it’s that bad when I do it, but it’s bad when my sister does.” As a result, the boy internalizes the belief that engaging in sexual sin is not a big deal for him.

This belief system can even lead to absurd conclusions. For example, if the boy reaches the age of fifteen, sixteen, or seventeen and has never brought a girl home, some parents might start worrying, even fasting, wondering if something is wrong with him. In their minds, they hold an unspoken belief that their son should be sexually active at that age—even though they are a Christian family.

This is what I mean by an unbiblical worldview. It shapes how you interpret actions and events—not based on biblical truth, but based on ingrained, often unspoken beliefs.

Experts say that by the age of ten, a person’s worldview is already formed. These beliefs then act as filters through which all future experiences are interpreted. That is why it is crucial to examine your worldview in light of Scripture. 

 

Day 4

1 Corinthians 6:12

Sexual Immorality

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything.

 

That is why I often tell people that in parenting, the most critical age is not the teenage years, but the year before a child turns twelve. If your house help is the one primarily raising your children before the age of ten, then the worldview they adopt is likely to be the house help’s worldview. By the time they reach their teenage years, their worldview is already formed.

When they become teenagers, even if the mother tries to teach or correct them, they already have their own opinions. They will often say, “That’s your opinion, not mine.” But for a seven- or eight-year-old, whatever the mother says is taken as absolute truth. At that age, children believe their parents’ words like gospel truth. Teenagers, on the other hand, question everything, including what their parents say.

This questioning is a sign of maturity, even when it comes to issues like sex. The worldview a person grows up with will influence the kind of resistance they apply to temptations. It is not necessarily their Christian faith or biblical teaching, but rather the upbringing they received, that plays a major role.

To clarify, I use the word influence rather than determine, because I am not suggesting a worldview cannot be changed. When someone is born again, they are supposed to adopt a new worldview—a biblical worldview. However, the background they come from still has an influence.

In Africa, for example, immorality is widespread. One of the challenges facing the church is the accusation that it focuses on abourtion while neglecting to teach against immorality. But the truth is, the church does teach against immorality. Which church does not frown upon sexual sin? Yet statistics show that by the age of sixteen, fifty percent of children are already sexually active. Why?

It is because, while the church is teaching Christianity, the children’s traditional worldview—shaped during their early years—is exerting a stronger influence. The church’s teachings often clash with the pre-formed mindsets that were shaped long before the children were exposed to biblical teachings.

Some children, for example, are told that if they do not have sex before the age of eighteen, something will go wrong with their sexual organs. A Christian boy who believes this might engage in sexual activity, not because he lacks faith, but to avoid what he perceives as a physical problem.

In today’s culture, it has become so normal to be immoral that being moral is seen as abnormal. If an eighteen-year-old girl is still a virgin, her peers may laugh at her and make fun of her. The pressure to conform to this worldview is immense. People begin to think there is something wrong with you if you choose holiness.

All this stems from the worldview that dominates our society. That is why it is essential to challenge these worldviews with the Word of God. Christians are called to have a biblical worldview, not a traditional one. Christianity is about replacing a worldly or cultural perspective with a biblical one.

I once preached in a church and told the congregation that you cannot call yourself a Christian if your view of life is still based on tradition. You must replace your traditional view with a biblical view. That is the essence of being a Christian.

The 2010 referendum in Kenya is a good example of how worldviews influence decisions. Many Christians voted, not based on biblical convictions, but on tribal or political affiliations. Some said, “I cannot vote No because that would put me on the same side as a certain political party.” Others voted Yes or No for reasons unrelated to the issues at hand, like abourtion.

This revealed that the majority of Kenyan Christians do not have a biblical worldview. It was not necessarily the way they voted that showed this, but the reasoning behind their votes. For a Christian, decisions—including voting—should not be based on tribal loyalties, political parties, or popular opinion. They should be based on the Word of God.

Similarly, on issues of sexual sin, people often behave according to their traditions or cultural norms rather than biblical teaching. For instance, some might excuse a husband’s infidelity by saying, “After all, he’s a man.” Such reasoning is not biblical.

The Bible is clear that sexual sin is wrong, regardless of gender. Whether a man or a woman, anyone involved in sexual sin is committing evil and risks eternal damnation. This is the biblical perspective.

Before delving into the scriptures, let me emphasize this foundational point: having sex is not mandatory. Consider Adam—he was created and lived for some time before Eve was created. Whether you believe that time was days, months, or even millions of years, Adam lived without sex, and he was fine.

Sex is not like oxygen; you cannot fast from oxygen because without it, you will die. But you can live without sex, and many people do. So, the notion that losing a spouse, or being denied sex by a partner, justifies immorality is not biblical reasoning.

 

Day 5

1 Corinthians 6:18

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

 

The Bible teaches that sex is not a necessity like oxygen, meaning not everyone must engage in it. There are several implications that follow from this. If you can enjoy it, that is fine, but if you cannot or do not, you will still survive. Sex is not an essential need for life.

To illustrate, consider food preferences. For example, I enjoy chapatti. However, when I began travelling across Africa for work, covering about ten countries, I discovered that chapattis, as we know them in East Africa, are not available everywhere. In places like Mauritius, Madagascar, or Djibouti, when I asked for chapatti, they brought me roti, which is an entirely different food. I realized they had no idea what an East African chapatti was.

So, if I wanted chapatti, I had to return to East Africa. However, I did not refuse to work in those countries simply because chapatti was not available. Chapatti is nice, but I can live without it. Similarly, sex is good and enjoyable, but it is not mandatory.

For you, the food you enjoy may be different. I use chapatti as an example because it is something I like. Whatever your preference is, the principle remains the same: you can live without it. In the same way, the Bible teaches that while sex is good and was designed by God, it is not a necessity for survival.

When some people justify immorality, they say things like, “What happened? My wife refused for three months or four months. What could I have done, Brother Ng’ang’a?” The answer is simple: you could have continued without sex.

Adam is an example. The Bible does not specify how long Adam lived before Eve was created, but it is clear he managed without sex during that time. And it is not just women who sometimes withhold sex from their spouses. Recently, I was counselling a woman whose husband had refused to have sex with her for over a year. She asked, “Surely, what does he expect me to do?”

This made me realize that both men and women can say no to their spouses. Some men, for example, might withhold sex for months if they are upset. However, regardless of the circumstances, there is no excuse for stepping outside the marriage bed.

That is why it is important to start with the creation story to understand this concept. Our biology does not demand sex for personal survival. However, humanity requires sex to continue. This distinction is critical.

According to Genesis chapters 1 and 2, individuals can live without sex. If you ever find yourself tempted to use sex as an excuse for sin, you cannot stand before God and say, “God, you gave the gift of sex. What else could I have done?” The answer is simple: whatever Adam did before Eve was created.

It is vital to understand that while sex is a gift from God, it is not a necessity for survival. Therefore, there is no justification for immorality

 

Day 6

Ephesians 5:3

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for Gods holy people.

 

Secondly, it is important to understand that sex is given as a blessing within marriage. Sex is a gift from God. In fact, that is why we will be examining it shortly. The Bible says that the marriage bed must be held honourable. Why the marriage bed? Because that is where sexual intimacy takes place, not outside of it. To honour it means you cannot have sex outside your spouse’s marriage bed.

Of course, this does not refer to just the physical bed. Wherever your spouse is, that is the symbolic "marriage bed." So, I am not suggesting it is simply a piece of wood. My understanding of the Scriptures is that God is saying this is only one of the many benefits of marriage. If you have sex in your marriage bed, you receive God’s blessings, but if it happens outside marriage, it leads to sin and condemnation. Within marriage, sex aligns with God’s plan and leads to eternal blessings.

Thirdly, any sex outside marriage is called a sin. For example, sex outside marriage is referred to as adultery. Someone once heard this word in Sunday School, and because "adultery" was too big a vocabulary for a child, they started debating its meaning.

Even in Kikuyu, the word for adultery (gutharia) was initially confusing to me. Gutharia also means "to erase," and when I was a student, it referred to erasing something on a blackboard. So, as a child, I often overheard adults using this word and wondered, what did this man do that was described as erasing?

Adultery erases trust and sanctity within a marital relationship. It is indeed a serious matter. Returning to Sunday School, the teacher asked the children to define adultery. One boy confidently stood up and said, "Adultery is adult error."

Another child added, "Adultery means adults pretending to be older than they are."

In a way, these definitions are insightful. Adultery is an “adult error” because it involves granting oneself freedoms outside the boundaries God has set. Small children do not commit such errors; it is an act of rebellion specific to adults.

Ultimately, committing adultery means stepping outside the freedom God has allowed and violating His will. It is critical to understand that this "adult error" has severe spiritual consequences and disrupts the covenant of marriage.

 

Day 7

Hebrews 13:4

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

 

And you know, the Bible is full of warnings. Whether you refer to the New Testament or the Old Testament, sex outside marriage is unequivocally condemned. Only the marriage bed should be honoured. Any other setting—whether behind a bush or in a Hilton hotel—is still condemned.

Let us read together, if you do not mind, Hebrews 13:4 so that you do not just take my word for it:

"Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

This verse introduces two types of sexual sin. One is adultery, and the other is sexual immorality. That tells us there are sexual sins beyond adultery. You can commit sexual sin without committing adultery. Later, God willing, we will look at the various types of sexual sins involved.

First, marriage should be honoured by all. In other words, this applies to everyone, not just a select group. How do you Honor it? If you are wondering, the text explains: honouring marriage means controlling yourself so that you have no sex outside of marriage. You cannot honour marriage if you are having sex before marriage or outside marriage.

When I say before, I mean you are not yet married but are engaging in sex. When I say outside, I mean you are married but are having sex with someone other than your spouse. So, marriage should be honoured by all. The word all removes every excuse.

If there were exceptions, the text would say, "Marriage should be honoured by those who are married." But it does not. It says, "Marriage should be honoured by all." This means there is no understandable reason to not honour marriage.

Sometimes, during counselling, people give excuses that almost make them seem innocent. For example, one man said, “My wife was in an accident, and as a result, she is completely unable to engage in this area. It is a permanent condition. Brother Ng’ang’a, what do you expect me to do?”

Even in such cases, the Bible is clear: marriage must be honoured by all. Even if your spouse is unable to engage in sexual intimacy, the marriage bed must still be kept pure. While we may sympathize and empathize with such situations, the answer remains the same.

As a counsellor, you might sometimes wish you could change the rules, but you are not God. You must help people understand that marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God—not man—will judge.

Why must God judge? Because He is just. Even if your husband never catches you, you are not dealing with him; you are dealing with God. Your husband may be immoral, but that is not the issue here. The focus is on you. God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral.

Some justify immorality by saying, “If my husband does it, I can do it too.” But think about it—if your husband is punished, would you ask to be punished as well simply because you are his wife? The Bible warns against such reasoning. God will judge everyone individually.

As we reflect on what we have discussed so far, ask yourself: am I involved in sexual sin in any way? What is my attitude toward the issue of sex, either in my family or outside it?

Let us pray.

Lord Jesus, we pray that You will teach us how seriously You hold this issue. If we value You, we should also hold it as very important. Help us to live righteously in this area and in every other aspect of our lives. Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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